For the past two weeks my mommy moments have gone down in the “Trashiest Things Said to Your Kids” category and my award for mom of the year is now a shallow dream of the past.
I don’t know what it is but my patience level has gone from 7/8 to a clear 0 for things being tolerated from the boys. I feel like a cannon ready to go off and I’m not very proud of myself.
I read this article on 10 words you should NEVER use around your kids. Words like; hate, no, stupid, retard, dumb. You know the basic words we don’t want our kids using, and it made me realize just how bad my parental language has been and how I should be strapped until I bleed.
Some of the things that spewed from me this week…
“Yeah well I hate you too!” in response to Trace telling me for the 100 hundredth time how much he dislikes having me as a mom.
“What’s the matter with you are you, are you being retarded on purpose?” To my 13
“Is there a reason you are being so utterly lazy? Can’t you just do what I (insert swear word) ask you?” Again my 13 year old for not coming to get me after his brother threw up everywhere when I was in the tub sick myself.
I won’t go into further detail except to say that my mouth should be washed out with gasoline and I should be stripped from ever talking to my children again.
I’m ashamed and feel crappy about my behavior.
What bothers me most though is my quick to jump attitude with my voice instead of taking a deep breath. I never used to talk this way. I use to explain things to the boys. I used to use words like “Please don’t say that that’s potty talk, or not appropriate, or please listen to mommy so we can understand the situation together.”
Now I find myself yelling a lot.
I find myself screaming actually.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m under the weather and nobody is helping me take care of me.
I don’t know if it’s because the boys lately don’t seem to give a rats
Or if it’s because dealing with Trace’s bipolar disorder is just pushing me to the limit. Every little quirk. Every time he says something so horrible my heart is cut into five pieces.
I just don’t know.
What I do know is that this week I’m going to take time to reflect on my choice of words because words hurt and my children should feel loved and respected and should never feel degrade or put down by me or anyone else in their life.
This week I am going to make things right and find my old mommy self and get back to parenting the way I used to, with patience, love and kindness, no matter what happens.