It was just a few short months ago the doctor announced I have cervical cancer. I remember the moment he said the words right after my biopsy came back, he began telling me about the procedure he was going to do and my brain didn’t quite register it all. Fast-forward several months later, and now I’m facing my fears of dealing with the dreaded “C” and all that comes along with it.
The quote is true. Fear is the dark room where all the negatives are developed and lately I’ve been over-processing my film of life.
I don’t want cancer. Nobody does. Sometimes I feel like what I’m going through is happening to someone else. Then other times, I feel it. I know that’s hard to believe, but I do. I feel it rotting inside my body, making me weak and ill and I have to try hard to keep my spirits lifted, especially for the boys.
Trace lately won’t leave me alone. He clings to me for dear life. People say don’t talk about it with him, but I’m not that kind of parent. If he has questions, of course I answer them. After losing my sister-in-law and Trace watching his young three year old cousin grieve for his mother, me having cancer has been extremely difficult on my son. He’s terrified to lose me which has only heightened my own fears.
I can’t finish that sentence because remaining positive is important, but it lingers in the back of my mind. How could it not? What if… What would they do? My family? Who could help them? How could they cope? Who would love them if not me?
Tears flow from my eyes just thinking about it, so of course I push it back, ignore it, pretend it’s happening to someone else. It’s just easier. I tell myself to be hopeful. I tell myself I’ll be okay. The guilt, shame, blame, fear, anxiety, stress and worry have no room inside my heart. Just them. My love for them and my will to be healthy.
I’m terrified. I won’t like to you. Lots of people tell me it’s nothing. Oh — I had it and got it dealt with. You’ll be fine. You’ll be okay. It’s nothing to worry about. That all seems great, but at the end of the day when I lie in bed in wee hours of the morning, sleep unable to come. I can’t help but wonder…
I want to be here.
I don’t want to leave the people I love.
That is my real fear comes into play. The pain of it hurts so deeply. But I also realize that it’s not up to us. My sister-in-law never wanted to leave her babies and yet did. There are no guarantees in life and because of that, because of the love I have for my kids and husband. I will continue to fight but what if it’s not enough. What if I try and still…
I don’t want to think about it.
I can’t think about it.
Thinking about puts me in a place of despair. A place of heartache. A place where I am alone — so very alone and sitting with so many questions and no answers. Just my fears.
Faith is seeing the light when all your eyes see is the darkness… – unknown