Personal Goal: Dealing With Death

by Jodi Shaw
4 comments

It’s been 9 weeks since my sister-in-law passed away, and lately I’ve been thinking about her a lot! I miss her so much. More than that though, I’m having a hard time dealing with the grief my brother and my beautiful nephew are going through. The pain is overwhelming. I just want to reach up into heaven and beg her to come home, so they won’t hurt anymore. 

Along with all this, my dad is going in to get his colon checked out for Cancer. I’m also going in for a biopsy next week and I’m terrified. They found abnormalities during my routine pap and want to check things out. I also keep thinking… What if my time is cut short? What if I’m not here for my kids? My husband?

That’s when the tears start. 

Hubby doesn’t know how to help me. Living with bipolar disorder, anxiety tends to burst at the seams whenever I’m forced to deal with loss. I’ve never handled it well. When my Nana passed away many moons ago, I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t get past the idea of not being able to hold her hand, smell her perfume, see her smiling face again. It tore at my heart in a way that caused me such unbelievable grief.

Grief I’m feeling now.

How do you deal with death? Many people say you just accept it but I can’t. The idea of not being here anymore upsets me so much I can barely focus. The idea of ceasing to exists, and the awful pain my boys would feel without me so heavy on my heart. I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel so lost right now. 

I know inside my brain we are all meant to live and die. Our time on this planet is a blessing, and I’ve tried hard to live every moment the best I can. Have I? I don’t know. I know that I’ve been loved more than I probably deserved, and I have loved more than my heart could handle. I know my children are the most precious gifts God ever gave me, and my family: brothers, parents, aunts, uncles, friends have all enriched my life. 

I just can’t imagine not being here. 

Where will I go? Will I be alone? Will God really be there with me? Or will I sit in a darkness waiting? Will I feel pain? Will I know my loved ones are hurting? I have so many questions and no answers. So I’m doing the only thing I know how right now.

I’m talking to you about it. 

I hope it gets easier. I hope my dad’s tests turn out okay. I can’t think of a life without my parents. They are my everything. I hope my tests turn out all right, because I can’t think of a life without my boys or husband. I pray each day for some form of solace and peace in dealing with this. I hope I can find a way to handle it. 

In the meantime, I’m doing what I do best. Waking up each day grateful I’m here, surrounded by people I love, whom love me, and taking in each moment as it comes. But in all honestly, this really has me wigged out, this feeling that time is running out.

Maybe soon I get the clock to stop ticking and just enjoy again!

 

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4 comments

Darlene Schuller June 24, 2015 - 7:04 am

You can’t just accept a death. It’s a process, and you are going through it quite normally.

I learned a lot about grief over some close losses of my own… it takes a very long time to even feel remotely human again.

I lost a baby inutero at 4 months… most recently, my grandson passed away from SIDS at 10 months old in 2013.

You can’t force yourself to feel better… or cope. It will happen, in time, right now your whole being is processing this devastating loss…

*hugs*

Reply
Jodi P. Shaw June 26, 2015 - 6:47 am

Thanks Darlene and I know it’s not something easy to accept, it is a process I agree. This loss hit me hard, and I’m going through so much. I lost my daughter inutero at 6 months, I’m so sorry for you loss, and the loss of your grandson, how horrible. I’m taking it one day at a time. I just don’t want my fear of death or dying to disrupt the life I’m living, not again. I went through this several years ago, and ended up inside the house no good to anyone, especially my boys. I became a recluse. So I’m pushing through it.

*hugs back!*

Reply
Darlene Schuller July 2, 2015 - 8:14 am

I’ve kinda become the same way. Death terrifies me, more so now. I feel safer in my home and avoid going out as much as possible…

loss is hard enough to cope with, but seeing what it does to our loved ones, is so horrible. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt to my daughter. Her pain was undeniably deep…I am Mom, we make things better… … but nothing could make losing her son ‘better’.

I’ve supressed a lot of my grief, I still cry, a little…. I’ve never had that breakdown, I can’t.

I hope the days are going a little smoother for your brother and his children & you too.

Reply
Jodi P. Shaw July 3, 2015 - 5:19 am

Awww thanks so much Darlene. I’m so very sorry your daughter suffered losing one of her children. It’s hard losing a spouse but to lose your child is horrific. No mother or grandmother should ever feel that pain – ever! Big hugs to you and your family and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here with us. Our prayers are with you all xoxo

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