Personal Goal: Dealing With Death

It’s been 9 weeks since my sister-in-law passed away, and lately I’ve been thinking about her a lot! I miss her so much. More than that though, I’m having a hard time dealing with the grief my brother and my beautiful nephew are going through. The pain is overwhelming. I just want to reach up into heaven and beg her to come home, so they won’t hurt anymore. 

Along with all this, my dad is going in to get his colon checked out for Cancer. I’m also going in for a biopsy next week and I’m terrified. They found abnormalities during my routine pap and want to check things out. I also keep thinking… What if my time is cut short? What if I’m not here for my kids? My husband?

That’s when the tears start. 

Hubby doesn’t know how to help me. Living with bipolar disorder, anxiety tends to burst at the seams whenever I’m forced to deal with loss. I’ve never handled it well. When my Nana passed away many moons ago, I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t get past the idea of not being able to hold her hand, smell her perfume, see her smiling face again. It tore at my heart in a way that caused me such unbelievable grief.

Grief I’m feeling now.

How do you deal with death? Many people say you just accept it but I can’t. The idea of not being here anymore upsets me so much I can barely focus. The idea of ceasing to exists, and the awful pain my boys would feel without me so heavy on my heart. I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel so lost right now. 

I know inside my brain we are all meant to live and die. Our time on this planet is a blessing, and I’ve tried hard to live every moment the best I can. Have I? I don’t know. I know that I’ve been loved more than I probably deserved, and I have loved more than my heart could handle. I know my children are the most precious gifts God ever gave me, and my family: brothers, parents, aunts, uncles, friends have all enriched my life. 

I just can’t imagine not being here. 

Where will I go? Will I be alone? Will God really be there with me? Or will I sit in a darkness waiting? Will I feel pain? Will I know my loved ones are hurting? I have so many questions and no answers. So I’m doing the only thing I know how right now.

I’m talking to you about it. 

I hope it gets easier. I hope my dad’s tests turn out okay. I can’t think of a life without my parents. They are my everything. I hope my tests turn out all right, because I can’t think of a life without my boys or husband. I pray each day for some form of solace and peace in dealing with this. I hope I can find a way to handle it. 

In the meantime, I’m doing what I do best. Waking up each day grateful I’m here, surrounded by people I love, whom love me, and taking in each moment as it comes. But in all honestly, this really has me wigged out, this feeling that time is running out.

Maybe soon I get the clock to stop ticking and just enjoy again!