“Why don’t you write about?” FD says to me, as I lay in his arms bawling my head off for the millionth time this week.
“I can’t,” I tell him.
Our readers don’t want to hear me bitch and complain about life, financial struggles and the crap I’m feeling. They have their own issues they are dealing with. Why on earth would they give a shit about what I’m feeling?
Then I remember why I started this blog in the first place. It wasn’t to host giveaways. It wasn’t about reviewing products. It was about sharing and connecting with other parents, moms and dads, like us and the shit we all go through each and every day. That is what this blog is about.
So okay, I’m gonna share.
I’M STRESSED OUT TO THE MAX THIS WEEK!
Having bipolar depression, I’m no stranger when it comes to dealing with stress or emotional over-load. It comes with the territory I guess. And for years I’ve handled stress quite well, never allowing it to affect me really. I just deal with things and move on. That’s the best way I know how to do it. Lately though, it seems that my stress level is at def-con 5 and I’m sitting without missiles to attack my enemy, just waiting to get bombed!
I’m ready to launch!
Lately everything in our life is about money. Everyone wants money. Money we don’t have. Bills we have to pay, food that has gone up in price, hockey gear that costs more than my wedding ring, back to school items that the kids need, food for the pets, a vehicle that needs fixing — and the list goes on and on and on.
Mixed with the money, I’m also feeling overwhelming emotional about Trace starting kindergarten. I actually laid in FD’s arms last night bawling, begging him not to make me Trace to school. WTF kind of mother does that? Shouldn’t I want my child to branch out, explore this new phase of his life, making new friends and embarking on this journey?
Well of course I want those things for my baby. I want that for both my boys. But I’m also extremely sad because Trace is growing up and I guess I feel cheated a little. Cheated at the lack of time. Trace and I are just getting to know one another, learning to love each other the way a mother and child should. And now he’s leaving me and I can’t help but feel sad about it. It’s just going to be FD and I and I think that scares me a little. Being alone with my husband all day long without the boys around.
Selfish, I know. And yes I sound whiny but I don’t give a shit. All these feelings, stress is just sitting deep inside me. Having to care for a husband who forgets everything, raising a child with special needs, hospitals and doctors, a tween who has no self-esteem and is running from an abusive past with his biological father and parents who are ill all the time.
It just feels like it’s too much sometimes!!!!
I think what bothers me the most is that now the stress which I’m totally used to handling. Mom has the answers. Mommy makes it better. Mom who usually takes one day at a time as each thing crops us and teachers her family to do the same. Well it’s affecting my life and me physically.
I can actually feel the stress eating at the core of my soul and it’s truly upsetting. The past two weeks I’ve been sleeping longer because I’m not sleeping well at night. My body actually hurts all day long and it’s like the stress is eating at me but I’m not sure how to deal with it, or what to do to make the feeling go away.
I watch commercials on depression on TV talk about how depression can affect you physically, but for me I’ve never actually experienced that before. I’ve always found outlets to help calm and deal with my mental illness. But lately — maybe because I’m getting older, I’m turning 38. I never felt the affects of my stress or depression —UNTIL NOW.
I know sharing this with all of you isn’t going to take my stress away. I mean it does help to talk about it. I just wanna cry all the time now and that is not a place I want to be in — I don’t want my boys to see their mother as a basket case or someone that can’t handle things, especially when I’m expected to handle everything. If I lose it — they lose it. They count on me to be calm, understanding and keep things going and together.
I think the worst part of feeling this stress and dealing with depression is the isolation I feel. Sometimes there is such extreme loneliness that you feel like you are dying inside.
I’m hoping this next week brings more happiness my way. I’m hoping I will feel better and not so bogged down by everything. I truly appreciate you guys listening to me. It means more to me than you will ever know. It’s strange but when I’m here on our site, I feel like we have an extended family and friends I can count on – even if I don’t know you all personally and have not met many of you. It just feels good to talk about things.
Until then I’m going to take one day at a time. I’m going to try to reduce my stress by learning to take more time for myself and quit feeling upset about things out of my control. I’m going to continue writing, enjoying my time with boys and live life as each moment comes. I’m going to try…