Last week was a bit of rough week for me. I had kind of a melt down, smack dab in the kitchen before breakfast. I told my son how I’ve been feeling kinda lost, like I’m losing him. It’s been hard because I feel like everything is changing.
I won’t ever forget the first moment I laid eyes on JJ. He was born with jet black hair, cone shaped head that I instantly fell in love with. We spent five years together, just he and I against the world. And lately I’ve been missing those times.
“Why are you so upset?” JJ asked me.
“Because I feel like I’m losing you.” And I do. He’s not a little boy anymore. He’s a young man, growing up.
“You have to let me go sometime, mom.”
OH I know I do. That’s the hard part, knowing it’s coming. I miss him being little. I miss the “I love you mommy.” I miss the hugging and the cuddling. I miss so much that it has become so overwhelming at times. I just love him so much. And I guess it makes me a little sad inside.
JJ pulled me into his man arms to hug me while I cried. He whispered in my ear … “I’m not your tissue,” to bring a smile to face. It’s something he used to say when he was only three years old. Now here he was — saying it at thirteen. Standing five feet six inches, built and strong, healthy and happy. Not a baby anymore but still my baby.
“I love you,” I told him. And I do. More than words can say. My heart weeps and bleeds and is proud of everything he is and everything he’s becoming as I watch him grow. He will always be my baby.